a life surrendered

I'm stopped behind a bus, protruding into the intersection as cars whiz quickly by. Impatient, I attempt to maneuver myself into the next lane, only this time I forget how very large my car is and, just as I cross the dotted white line, I realize I'm too big to fit in the space between the bus and the next car coming and I quickly pull myself back behind the bus...and wait.

"Jemima", as the kids and I call our new van, is in fact, a small bus, with seats for 12 and a roof that stretches to 9 ft. To say we are thrilled with our new vehicle wouldn't even come close to the elation that we feel for this fun gift to accommodate our growing family's needs, but with it also has come certain realities. Like the other day when I tried to "run" into a few shops, only to realize the parking lot beams were too low for me to fit under and I had to execute a 3-point, maybe 5-point turn as the parking lot backed up with holiday traffic. And then there was today, after my bus incident, when I was rushing to an appointment to get shots for my upcoming trip to Africa. As I located the building and found the subsequent parking structure, I realized I was almost 3 feet too tall to fit inside. So, I found a nearby bank, withdrew some money, paid the $3 fee as it wasn't "my" bank and scurried around the block to the building which apparently was not at all the right location for my appointment, but that's another story.

Lately, God has really been teaching me what it looks like to live a surrendered life and believe me, I have a long way to go, and, as much as this may sound like a gripe against our new dream of a car for our family, in fact it has just reminded me that I am FAR from that little compact car that fits nicely into any space in any parking lot and can maneuver itself quickly around vehicles and be quite a "selfish" driver. I have been that driver so many times in life. The one who doesn't let others in front or quickly pulls into other lanes to bypass waiting in any kind of lines. The one who thinks about myself and my needs above the needs of others. Honestly, I am still that driver, deep down inside, but the Lord is teaching me, albeit the hard way, that he wants me to die to myself, to "not do as I please" so that I can find "joy in the Lord." (Isaiah 58)

Man I wish this was an easy lesson to learn. One that, once learned, is learned once and for all and doesn't ever need to be re-addressed. But really, this will be a lifelong lesson, a constant battle to not believe that I am the most important person in the world, that my needs don't surpass the needs of others. How can they, when my own Savior allowed others to kill him so that I might live?

But really, why would I want to be first or most important? The times in life, particularly recently when I have felt fully led by Jesus and dead to myself are the times when I've actually felt most alive. Isn't that just it, what seems backwards and awkward to us is actually the right way in the Lord's eyes? For we have "not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us" (1 Corinth 2:12). The times when I understand this free gift, I am living, I am truly feeling, I am full. A friend and I were chatting yesterday about being more emotional lately and how we feel like it's God's gift to us as we continue to yield our lives to Him and his perfect plan for us. When I lay down my needs, my dreams, my life to His will and his direction, trusting that He knows what is best, I am overwhelmed with emotion at how he moves and uses my "compact-car" filled flesh for his glory! It is truly awesome to be a part of.

Jemima is teaching me to surrender, to let others go first, to park out of the way and walk and not be in the closest parking spot to the building. I love how God can use a car--one of our choosing in fact, one that we dreamed of and planned for and are excited, expectant and thankful for God to fill--to teach me a lesson in surrendering.